Beginning with this post I will share a 10 part series on the Character of a Christian.
1 Proper Communication
But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. James 3:8
1. Speak with Kindness
2. Complement
3. Be Agreeable
4. Learn to Listen
In no way can we influence others more than through our use of language. We can change someone’s day or outlook on life by the words we speak. We can lead someone to an understanding of the Gospel by the words we speak. But we can also destroy someone’s dream or self worth by a cruel comment or by belittling their thoughts. The Word of God makes clear the importance of learning to control one’s tongue. Untold damage has been done to families, friendships and churches through the years due to words spoken in anger or spoken carelessly. Words used flippantly and without thought can be just a poignant as those used spitefully and in anger for deliberate damage.
Speak with kindness
A word spoken in kindness will have much greater impact than those spoken in anger or without sincerity. Our culture has a tendency to speak critically under the guise of humor. What we call humor today is almost always found at the expense of others misfortunes. From as early as elementary school we learn that the “cool” kids are those that find something on which to ridicule others. We are so accustomed to criticizing our government, our employer, our spouse, our church, our family, etc. To speak in kindness will go against our grain. It will take effort and practice to make that change.
We would all agree that it is encouraging to find someone who truly understands us when it seems no one else does. When my father suddenly and unexpectedly passed away at the age of fifty-four, there were many that tried to express their understanding in the fact that they also had buried their fathers. Most of them, though, related through losing their father after a lengthy illness and at a senior age. One friend in particular, though, related how he had lost his mother unexpectedly in an auto accident. That was someone who truly understood some of the emotions that I was dealing with. I was twenty-eight years old when my dad died. I knew he would pass away someday unless the rapture came. I knew I would have to deal with losing my parents through the regular course of life. However, this was somewhat unique because of the suddenness of his death and the relative youngness of his age. It was important to me to find someone that truly understood what I was feeling right then.
The key word today in understanding is ‘empathy’. It is vastly overused and has even become a politically correct term. However, according to scripture, we should be empathetic. We should cry when others are crying and rejoice with them when they rejoice. We are commanded to do so. We tend more often than not to as someone “How ya doing?” without really waiting for an answer and we may even look slightly annoyed and hurried if they try to tell us how they are doing. Understanding and empathy go a long way to addressing someone with kindness.
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Complement
Not only should be avoid being critical of others, we should go the step further and find ways to complement others. To be an encourager can change someone’s life. I cannot over state that. You could completely change someone’s outlook on life or on themselves by encouraging them. We complain more than we agree, we ask more than we thank, we criticize more than we complement. These are wrong and as Christians we have a responsibility to change.
As a Pastor I have the responsibility to encourage those who are serving the Lord. I make it my regular duty to thank and acknowledge those who are working in the nursery, cutting the grass, cleaning the building, preparing special music, playing the piano and organ, etc. I know they are doing those ministries for the Lord, but I am to encourage them as part of the body of Christ. I am to complement them when they have done their best, whether or not it was of premium quality. I have been amazed over the years to find people gravitate towards a ministry that I think is a bad fit, only to find them excel with gifts I never knew they had. Some of the greatest teachers we have had are some of the quietest people in the church. One would think that you need to be outgoing and very personable to be a great teacher. I would count myself as an prime example of a very quiet person who the Lord using in unique ways, outside of my personality when I have the opportunity to speak to others. It’s like a switch comes on and I become more animated and have more to say than I ever would when I am sitting in the pew.
Encouraging and complementing our young people can go a long way towards keeping them pointed in the right direction. When I was very young, my parents attended a large church where the Pastor preached hard at the young people every service to keep them on track. I have no doubt he loved them and wanted the best for them, but the young people, just as all the people, need to see the “pastor’s heart” and the love he has for them through the encouragement he gives them.
Perhaps even harder than giving a complement is receiving one. We must allow others the opportunity to exercise their gift of encouragement by letting them complement something we have done. It’s the stereotypical story of one lady telling another “I love your dress” with the second lady responding “What, this old thing?” We need to be able to accept that complement by deflecting praise towards God. Thanking the Lord for the talent or resources to make possible that which has been provided.
Be Agreeable
Why is there always one church member that wants to argue at every business meeting? We need to learn to be agreeable. I am not talking about being ‘yes men’ or never giving an opinion, but if you are the one that always argues the point, always goes against the crowd, than it is you that I have in mind here. A willingness to work together and an admission of not always getting your own way are essential to unity.
Learning to Listen
Learning to just listen without giving opinion is a very difficult task. Listening is they key to successful communication. Almost everyone likes to do the talking in a relationship, but the one who will stop and really listen to what the other is saying will go a long way towards building rapport and friendship.
When I first became a Pastor my biggest fear was counseling. What was I going to say to those who came to me for advice? How could I counsel them on things that I had probably not encountered myself? I learned very quickly that the only advice I need to give is the Word of God, and that most of the time, people just want someone that will listen to them. They feel that their government doesn’t listen, their spouse doesn’t listen, their boss doesn’t listen, and so forth. They want someone who will not interrupt, but just let them talk.
This would solve many of our marriage problems. Communication is always the issue; and if one (or better yet, both) of the spouses would just listen to what the other had to say they could make great headway into their marriage struggles.
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